User blog:MegaGyarados/The Characters Of Splatoon in a Nutshell

This is a parody of Uncodify’s “Pokemon Shortened” blog, where I describe the characters of the Splatoon universe in a silly way. I know most of you have no experience with Splatoon, but I hope you’ll still find humor in this blog! Also, very minor spoilers of the Octo Expansion (VERY SMALL)

(When something is in quotation marks, it means a player would be saying it in an actual situation.)

The Main Characters of Hero Mode and the Octo Expansion
DJ Octavio: The small... “unique” looking octoling that beats you up with... well, good beats.

Marie: The old looking one

Callie: The overly happy one

Cap ‘n Cuttlefish: The Inkling that looked normal at one point, but I guess he hired a butcher for plastic surgery or something

Pearl: The girl may be small, but boy is she angry at times.

Marina: Woah... Nintendo really went for an older audience with THIS design…

Iso Padre: “I DON’T GIVE A SPLAT ABOUT ‘NEO OCTOLING BOOTS’! GIMME THE CUTE LITTLE CONDUCTOR HAT ALREADY!”

C.Q. Cumber: You took a breath, test failed!

Agent 3 (Your character in the Splatoon 1 Hero Mode): “WHY WOULD YOU JUMP INTO A SEWER GRATE WITH A SHADY OLD MAN?”

Agent 4: (Your character in the Splatoon 2 Hero Mode): Wow, I kinda feel bad the pain Agent 4 has to go through to 100% Hero Mode in Splatoon 2...

Agent 8 (Your character in the Expansion): “WHY ARE YOU STEPPING INTO A GIANT BLENDER YOU STUPID PIECE OF CARP! When you hit your head, did it affect more than just your memory?!”

Commander TARTAR: #PlotTwistThatIKindaExpectedButLikeNotReallySoYeah

The Characters Of Splatoon 2 Salmon Run
Mister Grizz: That one centerpiece on my old kitchen table

the Chum: They’re fine until the Glowfies come

Cohock: A fat chum

Smallfry: “WAIT I DIDN’T KNOW THEY COULD JUM-” *transmission lost*

Snatcher: i’m always forced to watch them steal our eggs because my STUPID TEAMMATES WON’T REVIVE ME OH MY GOD

Steelhead: HAHA HE BE A FAT BOI

Flyfish: “SINCE WHEN ARE TENTA MISSILES THIS GOO-” *transmission lost (again)*

Steel Eel: An easy kill until another one spawns. Then it’s just chaos.

Maws: the story of how I mastered splat bombs | NOT CLICKBAIT GONE WRONG 18+ SCARY. also why can THIS of all things climb walls?

Stinger: you always ignore their existence until you’re dead

Drizzler: “WAIT YOU CAN DIE FROM AN INK STORM? I DIDN’t KN-”
 * transmission lost: part III*

Scrapper: “Yes! I’ve already inked a ton of turf before the round starts to make it easier for my team to get around! This is grea- WAIT YOU STUPID DUMB SCRAPPER STOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!

Griller: “YESYESYESYES NOOOOOOOOOO-” *transmission lost: the last jedi*

Goldie: “Oh, cool! A golden Salmonid! Lemme take a closer look! WAIT WHERE DID ALL THESE ZOMBIE-CHUMS COME FRO-” *transmission lost (okay this isn’t even funny anymore I’ll stop)*

The Mothership: “Boom! Snagged another Golden Egg! Now to- Wait, why is the egg counter going down? And why is there a giant Salmon-ship attached to the egg baske- OHHHHHHHHHH.”

== Some of The Characters Found In Inkopolis Square ==

Sheldon: At first I thought, “Man, why does everyone hate on Sheldon?” Then I went to buy a weapon after leveling up three times without checking the shop, AND HE WOULDN’T SHUT UPPPP!!!!1!!@!@

The Jellyfish Dudes: “S-sir? Wh-why are you so interested in the pavement…?”

Judd: HAHA HE BE A FAT BOI (part II)

Lil’ Judd: HAHA HE BE A CUTE BOI

Crusty Sean: Crusty Sean cooks up something that looks like fried fish… that’s morbid dude

The Small Version of Spyke Who’s Name I Don’t Remember: “Wait, are they a guy or gal? Eh, probably both.”